A Christian Primer: Origin of Stations of the Cross

A long time ago when Christianity was just a gleam in a young 30ish rabbi's eye, The father of Christianity, the First Priest (FP) if you will, was performing a ceremony in the Jordan River (I believe, but I'm too lazy to fact check this). As Christian history unfolded over thousands of years it turns out that this one ceremony was the primordial soup from which arrived several important Christian, as well as secular (to reader: can't look up in computer, is it 'secular' or 'non-secular' I want?), traditions.   

    Here I'm retelling  the story of that important ceremony in Christian tradition as accurately as I can make it up:

    Long before there was Rock n' Roll there were Rock Stars and the biggest one in the Middle East at this time was a cat named Yehoshua (Hellenization of the Hebrew-Aramic name which was in turn Anglicization of the Greek giving us Jesus). Yehoshua had an entourage of groupies and hangers on that followed him everywhere. Rock Stars, Schmock Stars, this dude was DaBomb. He could turn a rock quarry into a Fish n' Chips franchise so nobody had to carry those heavy stone tablets around that said "Will Work For Food."

       Anyway, as Rock Stars often do, the FP was down by the Jordan partying with a bunch of his favorite groupies, mostly large breasted, big butt shiksas, bullshitting them about having studied under John The Baptist and offering to "baptise" all of them by dunking them in the water. Things were going well as planned when a fly in the soup arrived (Hebrew, past tense of the modern word came) in the person of none other than Mona Sekhmet, the bustiest, smartest, most beautiful, but also most critical of all.

    Said she to the FP, "Yer joost oogling th' lasses pert nipples through thare wet tunics. First Priest may arse! Y'are notin' boot a Foocking Pervert, thou art.!" in a yet-to-be identified Western European accent.

    FP knew he better arrive up with a quick, plausible explanation before Mona spoiled the party.   

    "If a man have a hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?  And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray."

        Mona fell silent and gave FP a piercing stare. FP thought that he had befuddled Mona for the moment and continued with his pre-plan, which was to Mona-proof his party.

      "Thou art mistaken my child. This is a Baptismal ceremony to wash my children of their sin. If I had lust in my heart for these children of Jehovah, would I have brought along fresh, clean, dry tunics for all?"

    "If that be th' Gospel Truth, then why do the dry tunics all say 'Shiksas Gone Wild' on 'em?", asked Mona.

    FP sensed he just lost another argument with Mona and became agitated. It didn't help that several flies started buzzing around him at just that moment, some of them biting him around his face, upper abdomen and chest. He flailed his arms around in front of him trying to swat them away.

    Several of the groupies noticed Jesus hands flailing about and became concerned, thinking he must be stricken. One asked, "my Lord, art thou okay?"

    'Verily I am, my child," the FP bullshitted, "I am demonstrating to Mona the stations of the cross."

    Thus was born the following Christian/Catholic traditions, rituals and policies:  Stations of The Cross; baptism; male priests (who like boys); and no chick priests, let alone pesky smart ones.

    Secular (or non-secular?) traditions continued to this day: Wet T-shirt contests, Girls Gone Wild, stereotypical Irish Catholics, and use of the past tense of the word arrive instead of came, the past tense of come, which was not used in polite company because of it's sexual connotations, as in: 'Johnny arrived on Suzie's face', rather than 'came on Suzie's face'.

Notes: I lifted the 'arrive' and the 'stations of the Cross' gags I recently heard in the media (my original disclaimer to avoid plagiarism when I wrote this).

Additional disclaimer: I believe George Carlin's lines were my inspiration for this. After seeing highlights of his work shortly after his death, I was inspired to create the Party God and "Shiksas Gone Wild." So I'd like to express my gratitude and appreciation for his genius because I think my FP Gag, while not nearly the calibre of Carlin's humor, is still funny. My gag definitely benefits from incorporating his genius, but I also think his one liners here are enhanced with my contextual addition.