A Christian Primer: Origin of Stations of the Cross

A long time ago when Christianity was just a gleam in a young 30ish rabbi's eye, The father of Christianity, the First Priest (FP) if you will, was performing a ceremony in the Jordan River (I believe, but I'm too lazy to fact check this). As Christian history unfolded over thousands of years it turns out that this one ceremony was the primordial soup from which arrived several important Christian, as well as secular (to reader: can't look up in computer, is it 'secular' or 'non-secular' I want?), traditions.   

    Here I'm retelling  the story of that important ceremony in Christian tradition as accurately as I can make it up:

    Long before there was Rock n' Roll there were Rock Stars and the biggest one in the Middle East at this time was a cat named Yehoshua (Hellenization of the Hebrew-Aramic name which was in turn Anglicization of the Greek giving us Jesus). Yehoshua had an entourage of groupies and hangers on that followed him everywhere. Rock Stars, Schmock Stars, this dude was DaBomb. He could turn a rock quarry into a Fish n' Chips franchise so nobody had to carry those heavy stone tablets around that said "Will Work For Food."

       Anyway, as Rock Stars often do, the FP was down by the Jordan partying with a bunch of his favorite groupies, mostly large breasted, big butt shiksas, bullshitting them about having studied under John The Baptist and offering to "baptise" all of them by dunking them in the water. Things were going well as planned when a fly in the soup arrived (Hebrew, past tense of the modern word came) in the person of none other than Mona Sekhmet, the bustiest, smartest, most beautiful, but also most critical of all.

    Said she to the FP, "Yer joost oogling th' lasses pert nipples through thare wet tunics. First Priest may arse! Y'are notin' boot a Foocking Pervert, thou art.!" in a yet-to-be identified Western European accent.

    FP knew he better arrive up with a quick, plausible explanation before Mona spoiled the party.   

    "If a man have a hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?  And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray."

        Mona fell silent and gave FP a piercing stare. FP thought that he had befuddled Mona for the moment and continued with his pre-plan, which was to Mona-proof his party.

      "Thou art mistaken my child. This is a Baptismal ceremony to wash my children of their sin. If I had lust in my heart for these children of Jehovah, would I have brought along fresh, clean, dry tunics for all?"

    "If that be th' Gospel Truth, then why do the dry tunics all say 'Shiksas Gone Wild' on 'em?", asked Mona.

    FP sensed he just lost another argument with Mona and became agitated. It didn't help that several flies started buzzing around him at just that moment, some of them biting him around his face, upper abdomen and chest. He flailed his arms around in front of him trying to swat them away.

    Several of the groupies noticed Jesus hands flailing about and became concerned, thinking he must be stricken. One asked, "my Lord, art thou okay?"

    'Verily I am, my child," the FP bullshitted, "I am demonstrating to Mona the stations of the cross."

    Thus was born the following Christian/Catholic traditions, rituals and policies:  Stations of The Cross; baptism; male priests (who like boys); and no chick priests, let alone pesky smart ones.

    Secular (or non-secular?) traditions continued to this day: Wet T-shirt contests, Girls Gone Wild, stereotypical Irish Catholics, and use of the past tense of the word arrive instead of came, the past tense of come, which was not used in polite company because of it's sexual connotations, as in: 'Johnny arrived on Suzie's face', rather than 'came on Suzie's face'.

Notes: I lifted the 'arrive' and the 'stations of the Cross' gags I recently heard in the media (my original disclaimer to avoid plagiarism when I wrote this).

Additional disclaimer: I believe George Carlin's lines were my inspiration for this. After seeing highlights of his work shortly after his death, I was inspired to create the Party God and "Shiksas Gone Wild." So I'd like to express my gratitude and appreciation for his genius because I think my FP Gag, while not nearly the calibre of Carlin's humor, is still funny. My gag definitely benefits from incorporating his genius, but I also think his one liners here are enhanced with my contextual addition.

example of mass ignorance feeding the machine

FB post: "I'm posting this because I'm so OUTRAGED! This little
girl is stoned to death (GRAPHIC) because she did not
want to be the bride of an old Muslim man. This is what
Liberals want in AMERICA! I will fight these sorry excuses
for human beings with ALL I AM! God bless this poor
child!"
Response from Calista Lucille on FB: You idiots. She was stoned
because she fell in love with a Muslim boy. IDIOTS> The
people stoning her are yezidi. She was being hidden and
protected by a Sunni Muslim Imam (my note: I'm assuming 
that this writer added the redundant "Muslim" to
Sunni & Imam because she was betting that her ignorant,
ethnocentric audience wouldn't know a Sunni Imam
 from a Toyota Corolla!) for weeks, IGNORANT
ASSHOLES! You put Arabic soundtrack over it to make it
look like its Muslims. You are liars and idiots. before you
rush to judgment you should investigate. You want
sources?
17 year old Kurdish girl stoned to death in Kurdistan of
Iraq
According to report by Human Rights Organization of
Kurdistan a 17 year old Kurdish girl named DOA (name
translation: prayer) was publicly stoned to death in... the
Kurdistan province of Iraq . Doa was born to a Yazidi
sect which is a religious minority of the Kurds. Doa was
in a relationship with a Sunni Muslim boy that she
wanted to marry.
At a tribal court, Doa was sentenced to death by stoning.
This gruesome act was filmed but due to the extremely
graphic nature of this film it is not being posted.
Stop Child Execution Campaign strongly condemn such
inhumane practices and requests Government of Iraq,
United States, United Nations, other governments,
human rights organizations and media to demand an
international inquiry to this crime against a young child
and to hold those responsible accountable for this crime
A teenage girl was stoned to death for loving the wrong
boy. Du’a Khalil Aswad, a 17-year old Yezidi girl who
lived in Northern Iraq, fell in love with a Sunni Muslim
boy, and possibly converted to Islam. For this she was
stoned to death in a public "honour killing" which was
recorded on video and spread on the internet (warning:
graphic and disturbing. YouTube took theirs down.) 23
Yezidis have been killed in retaliation. [Via
Disinformation.]
And "she" (stoning victim) Has a Name,
Du'a
Before reading Calista Lucille's post research above, before I
knew any details about this incident, I wrote the following about the FB post that this blog post starts with. Based on my ongoing study of Islam, I wrote: "This
is not Sharia Law. This is a country, region or tribe with
barbaric secular laws claiming to follow Sharia Law that
is not. I am sick  of ignorant people  letting
strangers literally open the top of your skulls and defecate
"news" about incidents in your brains like this that you
believe and repeat even though you don't know the
source, don't know the subject and don't know the
motive of the reporting party even who the reporter is. If you were a real Muslim, you
would be breaking real Sharia Law.
This falls under part of my axiom that "everything
works fine on paper until people get involved and then
nothing works." But when I say that, I am talking
primarily about Chrisianity& capitalism. All sorts of
horrors have been perpetrated in the name of both and
capitalism recently failed in this country in case you
didn't notice. All Sharia Law is derived from the Quran.
There is no stoning punishment in the Quran. There is ,
only in the Quran stories that Mohammed had
2-3 people stoned in two isntances who came to him and repeatedly
instisted on being punished for their sins. In one
instance the person wanted to be stoned for adultery and
in the other the person wanted to be punished lightly.
But having no Muslim law that covered their requests and
them being Jewish, Mohammed looked to Jewish law for the
punishment they requested which was stoning , so they
were stoned. After that, in Mohammed's lifetime, after
Gabriel (who is the voice of God in Islam just as in Christianity) revealed to him Islamic law such as not drinking
alcohol, etc, and there not being any provisions for
stoning for punishment, not another single person,
Muslim or otherwise, was ever again stoned in his
lifetime. There are other secular punishments that are carried out in the
name of Sharia Law which are also not in the Quran, such as
100 lashes for adultery. The punishment in the Quran,
after 4 eyewitnesses testify that they saw the adultery,
is flogging, which is felt by the skin and not muscle and
bone. In other words, it is more or less a spanking meant
to shame the offending party rather than a brutal beating. But
you will hear about instances such as a recent one in Iraq where they lash
adulterers bloody. But, it is done under false Sharia Law
that is not derived from the Quran. It is important for everyone to shed their ignorance and understand that just like Christian majority countries, no Muslim country is
close to perfect (follows the Quran and has proper Sharia
law), because people run countries
and people the world over are predominantly self
centered, greedy, dishonest, sometimes physically, but
much more often and worse, intellectually lazy. The intellectual sloth is
why a majority of people come to believe such garbage
as this, the supposed conspiracy that killed JFK, that blew up
the WTC after the planes hit, etc. All these lies are now
"truth" to a majority of Americans who are supremely self-
centered and intellectually lazy, who let anyone crap this
feces into their skulls as long as it fits with their pre-
conceived ignorant beliefs, prejudices and fears. When we
reach positions of power, we either use our positions for
our own greedy ends or as happens most often, we are
just lazy, don't do our job and the people depending on
us to do our jobs suffer & don't get served. But Christianity historically or presently  is no
different or better (IF YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT CHRISTIANITY IN HISTORY). We twist
the words in our Book, we change the word in our Book have a much bloodier oppressive
past and continue the repression, supression, barbarisms and even terrorism
to this day in more sophisticated ways.It's just that when a Christian commits a terrorist act, no mention in the Western press is made of his religious affliation, whereas if a Muslim does, his religious affilation is always mentioned, which causes the ignorant masses to irrationally fear all Muslims. Most American Xtians are pridefully ignorant of (and secretly ignorant of their own religion) the fact that the Muslim committing the crime has violated his oaths as a Muslim & committed an unpardonable sin just as the Xtian terrorists did when they bomb clinics and kill people. Real Muslims
follow the same 10 Commandments, but follow much stricter much more comrehensive, more civilized 
rules in the Quran than  Xtians about how they treat one another and behave in general,
such as it being a sin to talk about others behind their
backs. They also know
much more about Xtianity than the average person
claiming to be Xtian. In a prominent translation of the
Quran there is a reference to stoning adulterers. However
it is important to note 2 things about the Quran, the
most important of which is that the translated versions are
not the Quran. The Quran is only in Arabic, is closely
gaurded has not been altered for 1,400 years (unlike the
Bible which gets continuous revisions). In the Arabic
version, the Arabic word that was translated to English,
actually means "punishment" not "stoning." So I said to
my Muslim teacher "the translator is an *sshole, don't
you think?" But he refused to say anything because it is
against his religion to judge or speak negatively about
other Muslims. (but he never speaks about anyone negatively, Muslim or otherwise) He and other Muslims I know, unlike you
and I, never ever speaks derisively about others. However, there are extensive and strict rules about Muslims having to speak out and oppose all wrong doing, whether it is social or political. When
was the last time you could say any of that about any Xtians? Finally, you can ask "are you becoming Muslim?" and I would have to answer "No, because I feel I am too lazy to live up to the moral, ethical and intellectual strictures required of a good, faithful practicing Muslim who does not have Jesus as a scapegoat for her sins." Even the name "Jesus" is false for the prophet Muslims call "Isa". Jesus is actually translated from Greek to Latin and originated from the Hebrew name Yehoshua, phonetically spelled, and which is  accurately  translated to Joshua. So Xtianity has even gotten the name wrong of the prophet that they call Jesus and "God"!