A Letter To My Beloved Daughter Caitlin about Your Uncle Fred

                  a letter to you, which is perhaps helpful in memory of 
                      your Uncle Fred, b. Nov. 22, 1962, d. May 12, 2013.
                                                                                       

       We've all had anger issues to deal with because we knew him as a kind, gentle, strong, loving problem solver and we asked in anguish: "how could you do this to your children who are so young and still need you so much?"

      At the service, the first thing his cousin Connie talked about was the twinkle (she too often has twinkle of the mischievous kind in her eyes) in his eye and his warm smile when anyone saw him. Yet, a former employer of Fred's and someone who held him in high esteem, Sue, said to me before Connie spoke "Sometimes I am so angry with Fred (for taking his life)."

      I thought, "yes, we all are at times."
      Thus we've struggled  with our emotions, from profound regret and sorrow to anger. But should we be angry at your uncle for his act?

     After much thought and soul searching, My feeling is that I think not.

     My reasoning is that in times of tragedy, we all go through alternating feelings of anger and anguish, which are normal components of the grieving process for humans no matter the cause of death. Albeit sometimes it is possible that people die and there is blame to lay on the deceased, but I don't think so in this case.

      Yet still in the midst of my grief, I got angry and challenged him, "How could you (hurt so many people with this (seemingly) supremely selfish act after conducting yourself so selflessly for others during your life?"

          Before answering that I would like to digress and say something long and deeply felt about your Uncle Freddy. 

     In life I often said this to him and others and then several more times after his death and at the service: "My brother is (was) the best man I've ever known in every way a man could possibly be a man. He was the best husband, father, brother, son, uncle, worker, friend I've every known. He was not only that but also my best friend."

     So how could such a man, known and widely respected for his unwavering strength and kindness,undo it all and hurt so many with such an act? How could he rob so much potential from two small boys (the potential difference of what they could have become under his continued fatherly guidance that was taken away).

     Was he somehow secretly just a mean,angry, jerk, trying to show somebody he ultimately was the one in control? There have been suicides for that reason. But usually people  take their own lives for another reason, the one I told you about: severe depression, a descent into complete hopelessness. When all hope dies, so does your reason for being, for breathing, yet, there you are, still alive, "but why?" you ask.

     So which happened to Fred? We will never know for sure, but we still forlornly search  for rational reasons for it in places that rationality cannot be found. We think about what we knew of him, desperately wanting to reasonably assert with finality that "in this tragedy, he a victim like us." Still,  we get angry with him again.

     Herein lies our answer to how we try to assimilate his action and how we should remember our beloved, brother, uncle, son, father, husband, new grandfather Fred. He was a beautiful, giving, loving, hard working, real man, one of the few among the best of us who've ever lived, who lived his life making ours better with his presence and he just couldn't bear the burden of all that anymore.                    
                   

             'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved   

             (paraphrased).'

             Alfred, Lord Tennyson, from "In Memoriam A.H.H"
                       

     Fred's good friend and former business associate, Scott, helped me today with my recurring anger, giving me this insight of the full suitcase (another metaphor for the moment it happened is "the straw that broke the camel's back"). I have expanded it to incorporate my knowledge of Fred and sharing it in the hopes that it helps you understand, my beloved daughter, like it has me (if you need it). It is intended to give you insight into what happened to Fred and why we should never be angry at him for the damage caused by the tragedy of his taking of his life.

    Think of a life as a suitcase that you keep jamming clothing into. Eventually you have to take stuff out of it in order to put new stuff into it or it will burst. During his life, Fred didn't take stuff out of his suitcase. But why not? For instance, my suitcase (life) is not overstuffed.

      I think it is because the difference between Fred and I is that Fred was truly a nice, good person, always smiling, friendly, gracious, warm, always ready to help, always giving, never taking from others, never, in effect, unpacking anything from his suitcase. 
     There is a difference between simply having high moral standards and work ethic like I have and being a good person like Fred was. To be a truly  good person like your Uncle Fred one has to walk the high road ALL OF THE TIME, not just when it suits you. You must be one who is good in all ways, genuinely nice and thoughtful to and around others.

        "Only The Good Die Young"--Billy Joel

        "Chripes, I'll probably live to 115 then,"--Bobbi Skankanos
               

        Along with his deeply caring nature, Fred had another trait, perhaps a flaw. To me, Fred was legendary in his refusal to burden others with his problems no matter how small. Indeed that is the only thing the man would ever lie about. "I feel fine," he's say, or "no I can get it myself, thank you anyway." That is the hallmark of a great person. They'll drop everything just to help you with your tiny problem, but you play hell helping them with anything large or small because they won't let you, they'll even tell white lies to keep from laying their burden on you. 
      Fred lived his life taking all care of or always thinking of his family, me, grandma, his friends, you, clients all the while ignoring his own needs, hiding, burying his human frailties deep inside his increasingly overstuffed life's suitcase.

           Then, after 50 years of being selfless for others, The suitcase was full and neither he (because he'd been ignoring it all along, after all) nor anyone knew it until it was too late.

     Typical of Fred is that if I was with Fred and he asked me to help him lift or load something (rare, he was always doing the work of 2 men without comment or request for help), the scenario was that I'd say "okay" and still be out there yammering away about something while he loaded whatever it was by himself! And he always did so without any comment. Whereas I, in his shoes,  (not to him) likely would have said at least sarcastically, "thanks for all the help, girlfriend."

    That illustrates the difference between a truly good person and one like me who is more self centered, less mature with good moral values (him doing, me still talking) but more than occasional bad behavior. It bothers me when people say they will help and don't. It never did him, he just went ahead and did the task himself without comment or criticism.

    He did the same with his entire life and the stress of living it. He "handled" it (not really he just ignored it, more about that in the next paragraph) himself and always refused to talk about it or burden others with his problems which he insisted he could handle and, perhaps, never realized or acknowledge that one day he would not be able to.

      For example, a couple of weeks ago we came to my home late from work in his truck with something very heavy to unload at his house. Though he needed help unloading it, he would not ask and I knew he wouldn't ask so I did. He said "nah, I'll get it."  and I'm like "well are you leaving it in the back of the truck then?" and (not lying yet) he said, "I can unload it myself you don't need to go, thanks anyway."  Now, he has a bad shoulder and a numerous other sore spots and fatigues and God knows what else from doing stuff just as this. So I said, "well then I'm going to your house now and will meet you there to help unloaded it." 

    "No don't worry," he said, I'll just get a neighbor to help me, Tony (I just made this name up but he used one I can't remember) across the street."  Well, THEN I knew the darn fool was lying in order to not burden me with driving over and helping unload.  So catching him in the act, I feigned indignation, and said "OMG I caught you in a lie! I cannot believe you have the gall to blithely tell baldfaced lies to people merely to keep stop from helping you! It's 11 p.m! And don't think I don't know that even if it was 5 p.m. and Tony was in his front yard, that you still wouldn't ask for his help."

    And when it came to his personal health and stress, he was just the same. Typical responses from him about his blood pressure, or a searing headache or whatever was "I got too much to do to (most often for others) worry about that," or I don't have the time to worry about it" or "I don't have the money (or health insurance) to go to the doctor." But for a family man, blowing off your health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure) and the lack of affordable coverage under the USA's euphemistically-labelled a health care system  which is in reality a Health Business System creates more stress. He always  pretended like he didn't worry about it, but he did and such things as not having affordable health care and needing it stuffs the suitcase even more with the stress and fear of being rendered not able to care for and provide for your family. 

       In the end then, his suitcase was so full of stuff about to burst at the seams from years of self neglect and shouldering the burdens of everyone around him and internalizing theirs and his, on May 12, 2013, he may have stuffed one more thing in his suitcase, something perhaps as seemingly inconsequential and weightless to us as a single button and his suitcase exploded at the seams.
     

By Bobbi
   
also for Fred's family, Sara, Sean, Laura and the young ones who may only remember him through things we tell them: his sons, Lincoln, Ford and granddaughter Maiya
    

May 17, 2013

Where Have All The Republicans Gone?

   Why are there any Republicans left in political office?
Why hasn't this species died out? One would think that
aren't nearly enough fellow greedy, filthy rich, hateful,
selfish, working-class-hating  SOBs to vote for them! So
whose votes keep them in office? As I see it, the only
way they win office is by dividing& conquering, lying to,
 bullsh!tting & otherwise conning the majority, poor &
working class people (whom they loath) to vote for them.
Surely the vast majority of working & poor people
understand what the Republicans are pulling & won't vote
for them, right? RIGHT?
     I mean it is not like the Republicans hide it or don't
prove every chance they get that they hate the working
class (The vast majority of American citizens). It's not
 like they don't blatantly assault the working class,
speaking against and  trying to undermine
or eliminate every single initiative that would help
anyone in any way who isn't filthy rich. It isn't like they
even bother to pretend to support (but Democrats do)
things such as your health care, Social Security, welfare,
Medicaid, Medicare, collective bargaining, safety
regulations, governmental inspection and oversight of
safety in the food, drug, financial and other sectors.
After all, it is their government (the United Corporate
States of America), not yours, so why spend their money
(tax dollars) on stuff for you, right?
     They've been bought (the vast majority of our politicians)
and paid for fair and square! Now all they got to do
is get us(working stiffs)to keep voting for them (all Tea Party,
all Republicans, most Democrats).
     So why should the ultra-rich's campaign contributions to the
politicians they bought (Democrats, Republican, Tea
Party candidates) do anything to benefit you (Tea Party
member, Democrat & Republican voters)? A majority of
Democrats are even more two faced. They lie, saying
they are for all the things that benefit you & I (the
Republicans call these entitlement programs), yet do
nothing but make excuses about why they didn't
give us meaningful healthcare reform even when they
had a majority of both houses!  Obama's  health care bill
(as everyone likes to call it), when passed, wasn't the
bill he proposed. Rather it was a version that Democrats
could all vote for: a big package of results from
extortions and bribes to fellow Democrats (not Republicans)
to get them to vote for it.
     Case in point of how the Democrats just pretend to
be for us (United Corporate States of America citizens):
Obama was video taped in his campaign saying, that if
during his administration, there are any assaults on
collective bargaining (the cornerstone of unions
organizing the workplace to represent the interests of
working Americans) that he would "put on a pair of
comfortable shoes" and walk the picket line with them.
But as union officials and liberal pundits are repeatedly
pointing out, Obama has even said barely a word about
the fight for working class (most) Americans in Wisconsin
that is rapidly spreading to other (stupid voter) states
that had enough blathering poor idiots to vote in
Republican governors. Now in office, the governors are
 making good on their backroom promises to their
secret ultra-powerful puppetmasters to break the back of
the unions in their states. I love it how they rail against
all our "entitlements" such as Social Security, collective
bargaining and Medicare but say nothing about the billions in 
corporate entitlements that are handed out every year in the
form of tax breaks to ship jobs off shore, farm (Food
Conglomerate owned) subsidies, little-known laws
(we know about this one thanks to Obama
publicizing it in his campaign) that make Americans pay
more for drug prescriptions from our "American"
pharmaceutical companies than any other country.
There are similar cozy, little known (only the result of
them is known by me) anti-competitive, anti consumer laws
meant to benefit the entertainment, automotive, battery, cell
phone & printer ink industries, to name just a few, at the
expensed of the working class & consumers.
      In addition, the systematic dismantling by
Republicans of our regulatory and inspection agencies is a big
example of  corporate handouts because corporations are able
 to (like BP) save billions not spending money to follow safety
and environmental regulation. The cost to the world
is global recession, war & massive oil spills. Additional
costs that Americans bear for this is friends and family
members dying of lead poisoning (the wars), salmonella
& E-coli poisoning (from federal authorities lacking the
ability since a 2000 Supreme Court ruling to shut down
food processing plants that are in violation of health standards)
and death by FDA approved drugs because the Bush
administration has let all the drug companies self perform
clinical trials!
     But wait! Then there is the record deficits and debt to
bail us out by, of all things, giving 100s of billions in government
money (our money) to the very scumbags that put us in the hole
in the first place. Harry Truman said "The only
place "trickledown" trickles to is their damned pockets."
Trickle up works though (every single day, day in day out
month in month out every time we check out at the cash
register, pay a bill). If we had given us the money to pay off our
mortgages and buy the foreign made cars (made by our
"American" car manufacturers, Chrysler, GM and Ford), all
that spending would have trickled up and fixed the
economy problem & tons of families would have owned a house
&a foreign car made by one of our own Big Three auto
 manufacturers all free and clear. But they can't let that happen
because they've been diverting our attention and bleeding us dry,
getting fatter off the corporate-owned-government dole
(your tax dollars) for more than 200 years!
       Oh but this isn't even the good part about the
bailouts! News reports were recently saying that they are
all paid back! Early reports about the repayments showed
the very same congressional members, who are now
harping on the deficit, scrambling to think up ways to
spend the money instead of applying it to the deficit. But
after a few news reports over a couple days, the press
quit following the story (a celebrity died or got a DUI
arrest). Now the very best part (in case you still don't
believe that this country was originally set up to stick it to
the working class for the benefit and further enrichment
of the non-working class): The debts were paid back out
of record profits made by the borrowers (Bank of
America, Chase, others) who borrowed next to zero-interest
short term loans from the government and then
lent it back to cover deficit spending at  much higher
interest rates! This isn't even against the law, rather it is
the law! That's how "our" government works and who it is
& has been working for over the past 230 some years!
     So they are not about to start now letting us get our
hands on their pie (our tax dollars). They've been having sex
with our backsides while mesmerizing us with shiny baubles
 and bullsh!t meant to take advantage of our preconceived
fears and prejudices (The NY Mosque "controversy" for
example) since a bunch of rich white guys decided a couple
hundred years ago that they didn't want to pay their taxes .
      That's right, this all started in 1776 when our
"Founding Fathers" suckered a bunch of poor people
(average working class British colonial citizens, many
of our ancestors) to fight the war
using propaganda about "freedom" and "equality." But
then after we won independence "freedom" and
"equality" turned out to be just for the "Founding
Fathers" (mostly eloquent liars, in my estimation) and
others like them (or becoming like them) by virtue of
property ownership, being male and white. No
African-American slaves, women or the majority of white
guys who just fought the war needed apply for these
rights! Having accomplished that, to this day they (the
richest and most powerful of "us" that I want no part of)
are still up to the SOS, having  grudgingly only giving up
the rights they bandied about in 1776 in fits and jerks
under popular pressure (by union activism, the female
sufferage movement, the civil rights movements) over the
next 190 years.
          Thus the Revolutionary War had the same motivation
as the wars in Afghanistan & Iraq: being nothing but elaborate,
expensive (profitable for them) income
shifting devices. The only difference between the wars is that the
revolution set laws and practices in motion whereby they could
eventually start wars like the current ones designed to use
working people and steal our resources, in the name of safety
and security (manipulating our fears for monetary & political gain.
Whatever happened to FDR's quote: "We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.") just like they did 125 years ago in the unsafe
factories where they paid us pennies a day to work in until unions
formed and literally physically fought them for decent living wages
and safe working environments.
             Both the current wars and the working conditions 125
years ago that the unions formed to combat are examples of
concentrated economic and physical assaults on the American
Middle Class. It's just that today, we have better laws
(many not enforced) to protect us in the workplace (minimum wage
law, collective bargaining chief among them which all Republicans
constantly fight to dismantle). Not being able to dismantle the laws
the unions have gotten in place to protect us, like the time-and-half
for overtime and 40-hour work week, the Republicans have just
resorted (in concert with Democrats in Congress) to going along
with trumped-up excuses for supporting wars to help them continue
stealing everything for themselves that this nation has to offer.
      It works ("your" government)  this way: our politics and laws
have been and are owned by and are only for the benefit of fat
cats who own big businesses (who unofficially own and run
"your" government) who want the rest of us to have
nothing. But they have to maintain a facade of civility
about it. It's not like they can just walk up to the U.S.
Treasury and take what they consider to be theirs
(everything). Rather, today, to pull that off, they have to 
invent reams of bullsh!t to feed you about how they have
to start wars to "protect our (or obtain) freedom" to
justify it. How did we benefit from those wars? We
didn't. All we got was our brothers, sisters, husbands,wives
 parents, cousins, uncles, aunts and friends getting killed in them
while the defense & oil industries (as well as many
others) got even filthier rich off them.
     But I digress. I'm going back to answer the question
of how can there be enough predominantly working-class
voters to keep electing Republicans to office. I know
that they get elected again and again by spending billions
convincing, exploiting our fears and prejudices, poor stupid
working stiffs to vote like they tell us. But I ask, how is that
possible generation after generation? Why aren't the stupid
ones of us, who consistently vote against our own best interests,
dying out from accidents such as using electrical appliances
while taking a bath? It's obvious that these voters have no
more sense than not to go outside when it is raining, look up
in the sky with their mouths open in wonderment and
drown! Is it that as a species we've finally circumvented
Charles Darwin's law of "survival of the fittest?" Does
there need to be new U.S. law incorporating Darwin's
Law into the codes and statutes of our local, state and
federal governments that sets up a new enforcement agencies
charged with enforcing Darwin's Law? Should we empower
a cadre of elite Darwin's Law Enforcers to execute people who
are alive but shouldn't be (voting) according to Darwin's Law?
 It really appears so to me. We've tried everything within the
Constitution (with no result, it only has gotten worse) to
thwart Congress from having it's back door wide open to
influence peddling for votes. At any time, it is lawful (in
fact their constitutional duty) for any congressman to tell
a lobbyist to "take a hike" but they never do because the
lobbyist's boss (their boss too) will see to it that they do
not get elected (with your votes) again.




                                  
 

How to vote or how not to vote. This is the question

In the last election were you confuse about who to vote for? Were you trying to weigh what everybody had to say about the candidates before making your decisions? If so, that was your worst mistake. Below is my sound, experienced advice for potential voters whether you are affiliated with the Tea Party , Dems, Reps, independents, progressives (whatever because none apply to what I have to say). Rather than being for voters with a specific party affiliation, this advice is for anybody who is intelligent enough to understand the merit of what I am saying & has enough regard for others to want to cast a vote for the common good of all.

     Here is my advice: First and foremost: Don't listen to  anything  anybody has to say about any candidate. I say this because anything negative about any candidate is either coming from the opposition, whose job it is to make the candidate look bad or coming indirectly from them through your friends and colleagues with whom you discuss politics. Conversely, the same is true for anyone saying good things about the candidate! So don't listen to them either. Their job is to make the candidate look good and and they've influenced people who are trying to influence your decision at polling time.

     Instead, listen to the candidates & your own perception of the candidates as you weigh how they behave and speak. Listen to the candidates every chance you get & to determine if they are addressing the issues that are important. Are they actually talking about substantive issues in a meaningful way or are they just talking a lot about nothing & repeating vague platitudes about ephemeral things like "the American Way" & "justice for all." Are they continuously bashing their opponent or do they seem to be masters of doublespeak? Or are they talking about their  plans to do the job if elected & do the seem sincere& honest? If you tune out all the BS, all the lies, all the news media commentary and opinions and let the candidates speak for themselves, it becomes easy to differentiate between the charlatans who just want the power & prestige & the candidates who have an altruistic motivation for seeking the office. But to cast a vote for the common good, your mind can't be polluted by the self-centered, racism & greed & ethnocentric hatred that they throw at Obama like he is Hitler, a nigger, a socialist etc.They hiss "Muslim"  about him, trying to control your vote by playing on your irrational fears about those thing. So along with my advice not to listen to anyone but the candidate, I will say that this only works if you've cleared your mind of all the irrational fears mentioned above. Because if you still harbor them at poll time, you're either a puppet casting the votes your puppet masters want you to cast, or you 're a selfish, self-centered SOB who cares for no one but yourself (in other words, you're an average American).

     So, all you need to cast a good vote is to not be influenced by all the garbage spread about candidates & you need to quell your irrational fears so your choices can't be manipulated by others. The last thing is that you need only listen to the candidates themselves.  If you maintain an open mind and listen to only what the candidates say and nobody else, and look to them for speaking the truth & being, sincere & candid, I promise you that more often than not, you can reach a choice on your own that is yours and as good or better than anyone else's choice.  That's because, you know what? Most people let their minds get polluted by the enormous amount of pure horseshit that is thrown around in these campaigns due to two factors: their ignorance & their irrational fears that allow them to believe, for example that all Muslims are terrorists and Christianity is superior, being conveniently devoid of terrorism throughout it's entire history despite such events as the killings & bombing in the abortion industry by avowed Christians; the Oklahoma Courthouse Bombing by Timothy McVeigh; David Koresh and his cult; the years of Christian-on-Christian terrorism in Ireland, The Salem Witch Trials and the Spanish Inquisition to name just a few blemishes. 
     But if you've tuned out all the crap & have just listened to the candidates, come voting time, you're much more qualified than most people to cast a good vote. Don't listen to stuff about the candidate, listen to the candidate. Anybody saying things about the candidates cannot and should not be trusted because they either work for them or against them and are getting paid to either build the candidate up or tear him/her down.

      This advice is not comprehensive and will not guide you through an entire ballot of obscure offices and unknown candidates for positions you didn't know existed, but at the very least it will help you to make your own decision on a few races that are important to you.